If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Found the job I’m suited for
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
wait a minute….
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
what?
