Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now

FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—

ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold