Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.