If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.