Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math