If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
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Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.