If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
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hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option