Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.