If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
Buying a well is money well spent.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
fourth time’s the charm
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.