If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
You Might Also Like
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”