If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
You Might Also Like
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate