Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

ad for letuce:

do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related