If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
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Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
are there any atheist mantises?
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag