Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.