If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?