@SadieSkyNinja

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

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@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

@envydatropic

My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh

@Thynebear

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

@seamusmckracken

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

@omgthatspunny

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.