Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Safety first

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

I love texting my boyfriend

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying