If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Update: going to a party where you don鈥檛 know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn鈥檛 see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don鈥檛 really know what鈥檚 going on
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
i鈥檓 pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I鈥檝e used 467 paper towels
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Guy in front of me at McDonald鈥檚: I鈥檒l take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON鈥橳 KNOW ABOUT?
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 馃槨
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don鈥檛 you use the rolls that you鈥檙e buying
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you鈥檙e in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My love language is deader than Latin
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet