If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
saw this in a dream
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
The Wolf of Wall Street.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same