Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!

My birthstone is pecan pie.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:

When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

*bolts upright in bed..

If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN