if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant