if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”