if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
TWEET CALL
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer