If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.