Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Good morning.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

*pronounces fake like saké*

Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.