If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
fair
“How’s your day going?”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
who wore it better?
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door