If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
what’s really going on
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Ghost costume 😂
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken