If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
you should fight them
– me as a therapist
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies