If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us