if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
man i love columbo
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*