if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Free him
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.