if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

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Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle


How long do you have to listen to a person tinkling the spoon against the side of the cereal bowl before the homicide becomes justifiable?


7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit


just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch


wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous


I have twin brothers named Juan and Amal. I only carry a picture of one of them because if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.


Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*


I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.


mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs