If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.