If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.