If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
how to have an accident 101
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.