If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
12653.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”