if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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When someone says you are so lazy
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.