if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.