If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it