If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
calling in to work dehydrated
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
why would tinder want me to say this
