If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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me irl
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
