If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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Me: Candy123
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!