Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanks auntie mary

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.