If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
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Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I feel attacked.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.