Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”