If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?