Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.