Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

Me: That would be great, we really need the beds

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

liiiiiiiiike

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.