If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?