If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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Velcrow
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
#inspiration #foodforthought
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.