If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~