If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?