If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.