Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.