Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

Terribly Tuesday.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Still laughing at this stupid meme

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Just this preview of the story is enough

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

Ok cat haters, explain this…

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.