If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Now who done made this a sport lmao
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
#CoronaOutbreak
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
This kinda thing happens to me often
