Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn