Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Donkey Kong sommelier

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Saying ‘better luck next time’

is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.

The more you know..

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

when the buffet is more honest than your date