If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..