If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.