If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots