If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
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*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Is this anything
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money