Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

I’m being attacked 😭

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.