If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself