If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
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Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
May have had one breakfast too many
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.