Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.