If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
welcome back
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run