Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?

Kermit goes Blue.

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

Who knew!

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

God has abandoned us.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.

Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.

Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?

Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton