If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
also my go-to takeaway order
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?