If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.