Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
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Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro